So I went to my face-to-face OA meeting today for the second time (first one last week). So at least I've kept to this "90 mtgs in 90 days" 2 days in a row - Woo! I needed it because I started off the day so wrong - I woke up at 5:30am and did get up to take my Synthroid medicine. I also drank a cup of hot water first thing in the morning. But it was a chilly morning, and I had gone to sleep late last night. So after letting in my cat, I went to sleep a little more. I woke up at 9:30am.
My sister missed her early morning meeting, and I feel partially responsible because I would have helped to wake her up if I had stayed awake. I also didn't go to the gym even though I had had every intention of going the night before. I lied to my sister about working on my paper - instead I went to the supermarket and then Chick-Fil-A to eat the Bourbon chicken that I bought at the supermarket and drink it with coffee there because they offer Hazelnut creamer. I don't buy it for fear that I'll use it every time.
I also shouldn't have had coffee. The reason is because I believe God spoke to me in a powerful way about coffee at my baptism last year. Right after I was baptized, I changed into white clothing. When I returned to my seat, I was about to drink my coffee when I accidentally spilled all of it over my clothes. The reason why I think God doesn't want me to drink coffee anymore is because of my hair. Coffee unduly stresses the kidneys, and according to Traditional Chinese Medicine, hair loss/thinning is linked to weakening kidney function. So I stopped since my baptism until my summer internship this year. Midway when I was fed up with my fogginess I drank my first cup and became clearheaded and alert. I then proceeded to discuss media issues with my fellow intern and was able to make a remarkably cogent argument (well, actually a passionate and reasonable one, I think).
Coffee cleared my thoughts - but now looking back, I think it was a mistake because I don't think I should have assumed that argumentative stance. I was thrilled to have the old me back to passionately debate, but I don't think God wants me to attempt to show off anymore. The Scripture that rings in my head is "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger."
That verse just convicted me right now about how much I've talked at today's OA meeting and last week as well. I throw caution to the wind and think I can freely talk because of the anonymity policy. Then two members revealed that gossip was one of their character defects. I feel like they're upstanding individuals and would uphold OA's principles. I just don't want to tempt them by revealing too much about me too soon. I think perhaps I could talk more in the phone meetings. Then maybe not because maybe someone might recognize my voice. Maybe online meetings would be best since I'm a relatively fast typist.
Today's meeting - I arrived 5 min late. I don't want that anymore. I want to arrive EVERYWHERE 30 min early. At the beginning of my meeting, my trainer called me. He responded to my text from yesterday cancelling our 2nd training session. I was supposed to have kept a food journal. I feel sooo embarassed by how much I've binged this week. Showing a man this food diary and counting up the calories is too embarassing. Even today I binged again - eating uncontrollably beyond feeling of fullness.
I'm also uncertain about how much to confide online. I should be writing all these thoughts in my private journal. But somehow I'm not motivated to keep one. Maybe it's because typing is faster for me. But I don't feel like I can be completely honest in this forum for fear of expressing opinions that might anger others. I want to just vent and then keep it private, knowing that in the future I might change my mind.
I also want to vent to prevent myself from telling my sister. Due to earlier bullying in my life, I don't want to inflict that sort of pain on others so I am strict about not talking about others behind their back. I typically only make an exception with my sister and Mom because they usually don't know who I'm talking about. But God has shown me that even that is harmful. He doesn't want me to speak ill of others but to pray for them.
I remember a former coworker who seemed to take a real disliking to me. I resented her ill feelings toward me and took it personally. Then a few months later she committed suicide. She was in a real dark place in her life - instead of silently resenting her, I should have prayed for her. When I attended her funeral, I met her daughter and other family members. The pain of her absence - maybe she might not have been the best co-worker to me, but she was a mother, daughter, sister, cousin...
That experience taught me that no matter how much I might dislike someone, I have to remember that person means the world to other individuals. To also see them as how God sees them: God saw them as an innocent baby, a joyful toddler, a precocious child, a conflicted pre-teen, a confused teenager... God has seen them in the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows - God knows their joys and sorrows, their pain and addictions, their hopes and dreams. God sees all of them - I only see a slice of them.
Doesn't mean that I don't set boundaries in terms of treatment that I will accept. I just need to set those boundaries without negative emotions or people-pleasing insecurity. I just need to be calm and deliberate, not taking their antipathy personally but also not tolerating disrespect. And then praying for them - not that God would change them, but that God would bless them.
Because that kind of prayer - asking God to rain down specific blessings on them and not asking Him to change them in any way - with that kind of prayer, no anger toward them on my part can exist. I literally cannot be angry at them anymore if I consistently pray that kind of prayer for them. And if no anger exists in my heart toward them, then no hatred and thus no murder (as Jesus equates the two) can exist in my heart either.
I learned this from Pastor Chip Ingram's teaching of how to deal with annoying/toxic people in your life. Other tips that he shares from personal experience is 1) do not avoid them - if you see them walking down the street, don't avoid them - greet them in a sincere and cordial manner (being friendly but not necessarily friends in order to keep healthy boundaries).
I actually don't remember at the moment the other tips - I wrote them down in my journal so I have to look it up. I remember sharing these tips with a Korean family that I tutored over the summer. I had just applied it to my relationship with my fellow intern - I didn't want anger to contaminate me.
I remember that I had been angry and mean to a coworker one day years ago. I never did that before - right after it happened, I got a call: my grandmother just suffered a stroke. Then I remembered Jesus equated hatred with murder. The timing was too coincidental. The pain that I inflicted on another individual boomeranged back to me a hundred-fold, in a way that was too deep and searing, like a knife to the heart. So I would now rather be taken for a fool at work than ever allow myself to dislike or hate another individual who mistreats me - I almost forgot that when I got mad at what I interpreted as mistreatment over the summer.
So when I heard Chip Ingram's message on the radio, I immediately applied it and prayed for this person. And all this complaining and blaming that I had been doing at home about this person disappeared from my heart - I started seeing the good (what God has seen all along) in this person. I also started examining my own behavior, realizing the extent of my own culpability in our imperfect relationship.
So each time I witnessed what I interpreted as a slight, I just prayed to God to rain down His blessings on this person. And oddly enough, wanting the best for this person removed all anger concerning this person in my heart. I had peace when I went to the office. I also didn't avoid this person but engaged in cordial conversation. I was also quick to notice and identify the good that this person did and comment positively on it.
This freed my soul - I offered this story to the mother that I was tutoring because she was returning to workplace conflict after the summer. She was not a Christian, but I pray that God changes her heart through our conversations. I wish I had been there for her more during the summer. I isolated myself because of the stress. I didn't put God's mission of healing hurting people first in the summer, before my internship.
This is too weird -- my cat was outside on the porch, and I heard her loudly cry. I opened the door and saw that her fur was standing on edge - on the sidewalk facing her was the bully cat from two blocks down. This is weird because when I first started thinking about this intern at home, this belligerant cat showed up and attacked my cat. When I puzzled over this intern's behavior toward me, again this cat showed up while I was walking my dog and cat, and this bully cat ran after and attacked my cat. Now I'm writing about this intern after nearly a month of not thinking or seeing this person, and this cat just showed up.
I think God is telling me that this intern is not a safe person. Just like this bully cat does not allow my cat to walk down his street, now he has come on her turf, my block! Maybe God is warning me not to trust this person - that I can pray for this individual but I need to protect myself by limiting contact. It is sooo odd that each time I think of this person, the bully cat appears and then threatens or attacks my cat. I let my cat in and she's eating. I know she cried to notify me so I could save her. Wow! This is so weird - I need to limit contact with this person even in my thoughts and writings.
Enough for tonight - Good night!
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