First Overeaters Anonymous Group Meeting Today!

Hi, I just went to the first OA meeting (technically 2nd since the last one I attended 4 years ago).  By the Grace of God and Jesus Christ, it's near my house on a Tuesday night.  I was afraid it would emphasize eliminating all forms of sugar (which is exhaustive to me and the reason why I didn't return to the first OA meeting I had attended in the past).  Instead they went through the 12 Steps and didn't talk about any particular food-avoidance regimen. 

I started tearing up as we read the 1st Step.  Another miracle:  I came when they started the Steps from the top.  I'm just so freaking pissed that I'm a food addict - that I have to say I'm a compulsive overeater.  It's so embarassing and shameful - to admit that you're out of control.  They say it's a disease rather than a lack of willpower, but it's like in the back of my mind I still feel like it's a very bad habit that I developed from years of inadequately dealing with stress. 

I guess you can argue that getting any physical disease can stem from years of bad eating habits.  But overeating is like wanting to have a cigarette so badly - but it's worse because you don't have to puff on a cig to literally survive and live.  I would rather eliminate food entirely from my life - I feel more calm and at peace when I do fast for a day or two.  But it's not realistic to do it long term for obvious reasons - I just don't want to be hassled by that obsessiveness about when to eat, what to eat, how much to eat.  I'd like to just naturally leave food on my plate when I'm comfortably full, simply satisfied, not mind-numbingly sated. 

Before I went to group, I bought a huge 21 oz container of peppermint soft puffs.  I ate half of it right before going to the meeting.  After the meeting I went to Barnes & Noble to read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book which I spied a copy of at the meeting location.  I couldn't find the book at the bookstore but did come across this book that seemed interesting:  "What Should I Do with My Life?" by Po Bronson.  Good-looking guy!  Hot :)

I started reading chapters, and I felt God was speaking to me through these stories.  What does HE want me to do?  I just came back from a meeting where I was both mad and sad for having to admit that I'm a food addict - that diet and exercise alone just won't cut it for me.  It's maddening - I want to be able to just go to Weight Watchers and lose the weight like Jennifer Hudson did. 

But it's like a drive to consume calories of comfort, calories of joy and a bright light in my life, calories that make me forget the failures of my past and inures me to the threat of the future.  Without food, what do I have?  I have a close friend in my sister, but I don't want to rely on her more than I do.  I love talking to my Mom, but I tend to keep things superficial because I don't want to upset her. 

I don't talk to God that much - passing thoughts but not devoted time to God.  I shared with the group that I had lost a lot of weight (didn't give them a number because I don't want the fixation on weight loss per se but rather defeating the spiritual battle against gluttony) in 2007-2008 by reading the Bible.  Scriptures became my bread of life, nourishment that I turned to instead of food while I was writing my paper.  I spent so much time in prayer and reading the Bible that I started to lose weight naturally.  I started incorporating Windsor Pilates videos and would just read the Bible whenever I got that anxious urge to eat.  I started losing weight and looking beautiful. 

For so many years in NYC I was like the ugly duckling - I thought most men were gay because I wasn't noticed or pursued.  At 5'8" and 185 lbs for most of my 20s, I was the chunky best friend overlooked at parties and the one asked to dance by the guy in the group who had to "take one for the team" so the rest could hook up with my prettier, thinner friends (when I say "hook up," it's the 90s definition of "making out").  Anyway, I lost about 30 lbs so I was just 155 lbs - but boy, what a difference!  People treat you differently - one family friend didn't recognize me at all.  A cute businessman followed me down a long Manhattan block - that was a first!  I turned heads - in fact one former NY governor was eyeing me in a hotel lobby after I had just gotten my hair done (not sure if I should be impressed by that one though, lol!).  Men were literally coming out of the woodwork!! 

I share this not to brag (well, maybe just a little ;) but to remember how pretty I was, the potential that I had at 32/33.  Then I moved south and gained weight from inactivity, homesickness and throwing caution to the wind regarding food.  And I gained weight again - back to mousy, nondescript me.  I'm exaggerating, but I just look hot like I used to.  Plus I've gotten more spots on my skin and wrinkles (I think it's the food down here) - I'm seeing my age.  It saddens me because of the youth I lost - SO MANY DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS/YEARS that I spent in my room/at home, not going out because I looked too heavy, condemning myself for my rusty people skills and my insatiable appetite (not out of hunger but out of need to self-medicate my anxiety).

Wow, I don't want to write anymore about this stuff - I just want to attend 90 OA meetings in 90 days.  I figure if that works for people who don't believe in a higher power, it would definitely work for me!