So I went to my face-to-face OA meeting today for the second time (first one last week). So at least I've kept to this "90 mtgs in 90 days" 2 days in a row - Woo! I needed it because I started off the day so wrong - I woke up at 5:30am and did get up to take my Synthroid medicine. I also drank a cup of hot water first thing in the morning. But it was a chilly morning, and I had gone to sleep late last night. So after letting in my cat, I went to sleep a little more. I woke up at 9:30am.
My sister missed her early morning meeting, and I feel partially responsible because I would have helped to wake her up if I had stayed awake. I also didn't go to the gym even though I had had every intention of going the night before. I lied to my sister about working on my paper - instead I went to the supermarket and then Chick-Fil-A to eat the Bourbon chicken that I bought at the supermarket and drink it with coffee there because they offer Hazelnut creamer. I don't buy it for fear that I'll use it every time.
I also shouldn't have had coffee. The reason is because I believe God spoke to me in a powerful way about coffee at my baptism last year. Right after I was baptized, I changed into white clothing. When I returned to my seat, I was about to drink my coffee when I accidentally spilled all of it over my clothes. The reason why I think God doesn't want me to drink coffee anymore is because of my hair. Coffee unduly stresses the kidneys, and according to Traditional Chinese Medicine, hair loss/thinning is linked to weakening kidney function. So I stopped since my baptism until my summer internship this year. Midway when I was fed up with my fogginess I drank my first cup and became clearheaded and alert. I then proceeded to discuss media issues with my fellow intern and was able to make a remarkably cogent argument (well, actually a passionate and reasonable one, I think).
Coffee cleared my thoughts - but now looking back, I think it was a mistake because I don't think I should have assumed that argumentative stance. I was thrilled to have the old me back to passionately debate, but I don't think God wants me to attempt to show off anymore. The Scripture that rings in my head is "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger."
That verse just convicted me right now about how much I've talked at today's OA meeting and last week as well. I throw caution to the wind and think I can freely talk because of the anonymity policy. Then two members revealed that gossip was one of their character defects. I feel like they're upstanding individuals and would uphold OA's principles. I just don't want to tempt them by revealing too much about me too soon. I think perhaps I could talk more in the phone meetings. Then maybe not because maybe someone might recognize my voice. Maybe online meetings would be best since I'm a relatively fast typist.
Today's meeting - I arrived 5 min late. I don't want that anymore. I want to arrive EVERYWHERE 30 min early. At the beginning of my meeting, my trainer called me. He responded to my text from yesterday cancelling our 2nd training session. I was supposed to have kept a food journal. I feel sooo embarassed by how much I've binged this week. Showing a man this food diary and counting up the calories is too embarassing. Even today I binged again - eating uncontrollably beyond feeling of fullness.
I'm also uncertain about how much to confide online. I should be writing all these thoughts in my private journal. But somehow I'm not motivated to keep one. Maybe it's because typing is faster for me. But I don't feel like I can be completely honest in this forum for fear of expressing opinions that might anger others. I want to just vent and then keep it private, knowing that in the future I might change my mind.
I also want to vent to prevent myself from telling my sister. Due to earlier bullying in my life, I don't want to inflict that sort of pain on others so I am strict about not talking about others behind their back. I typically only make an exception with my sister and Mom because they usually don't know who I'm talking about. But God has shown me that even that is harmful. He doesn't want me to speak ill of others but to pray for them.
I remember a former coworker who seemed to take a real disliking to me. I resented her ill feelings toward me and took it personally. Then a few months later she committed suicide. She was in a real dark place in her life - instead of silently resenting her, I should have prayed for her. When I attended her funeral, I met her daughter and other family members. The pain of her absence - maybe she might not have been the best co-worker to me, but she was a mother, daughter, sister, cousin...
That experience taught me that no matter how much I might dislike someone, I have to remember that person means the world to other individuals. To also see them as how God sees them: God saw them as an innocent baby, a joyful toddler, a precocious child, a conflicted pre-teen, a confused teenager... God has seen them in the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows - God knows their joys and sorrows, their pain and addictions, their hopes and dreams. God sees all of them - I only see a slice of them.
Doesn't mean that I don't set boundaries in terms of treatment that I will accept. I just need to set those boundaries without negative emotions or people-pleasing insecurity. I just need to be calm and deliberate, not taking their antipathy personally but also not tolerating disrespect. And then praying for them - not that God would change them, but that God would bless them.
Because that kind of prayer - asking God to rain down specific blessings on them and not asking Him to change them in any way - with that kind of prayer, no anger toward them on my part can exist. I literally cannot be angry at them anymore if I consistently pray that kind of prayer for them. And if no anger exists in my heart toward them, then no hatred and thus no murder (as Jesus equates the two) can exist in my heart either.
I learned this from Pastor Chip Ingram's teaching of how to deal with annoying/toxic people in your life. Other tips that he shares from personal experience is 1) do not avoid them - if you see them walking down the street, don't avoid them - greet them in a sincere and cordial manner (being friendly but not necessarily friends in order to keep healthy boundaries).
I actually don't remember at the moment the other tips - I wrote them down in my journal so I have to look it up. I remember sharing these tips with a Korean family that I tutored over the summer. I had just applied it to my relationship with my fellow intern - I didn't want anger to contaminate me.
I remember that I had been angry and mean to a coworker one day years ago. I never did that before - right after it happened, I got a call: my grandmother just suffered a stroke. Then I remembered Jesus equated hatred with murder. The timing was too coincidental. The pain that I inflicted on another individual boomeranged back to me a hundred-fold, in a way that was too deep and searing, like a knife to the heart. So I would now rather be taken for a fool at work than ever allow myself to dislike or hate another individual who mistreats me - I almost forgot that when I got mad at what I interpreted as mistreatment over the summer.
So when I heard Chip Ingram's message on the radio, I immediately applied it and prayed for this person. And all this complaining and blaming that I had been doing at home about this person disappeared from my heart - I started seeing the good (what God has seen all along) in this person. I also started examining my own behavior, realizing the extent of my own culpability in our imperfect relationship.
So each time I witnessed what I interpreted as a slight, I just prayed to God to rain down His blessings on this person. And oddly enough, wanting the best for this person removed all anger concerning this person in my heart. I had peace when I went to the office. I also didn't avoid this person but engaged in cordial conversation. I was also quick to notice and identify the good that this person did and comment positively on it.
This freed my soul - I offered this story to the mother that I was tutoring because she was returning to workplace conflict after the summer. She was not a Christian, but I pray that God changes her heart through our conversations. I wish I had been there for her more during the summer. I isolated myself because of the stress. I didn't put God's mission of healing hurting people first in the summer, before my internship.
This is too weird -- my cat was outside on the porch, and I heard her loudly cry. I opened the door and saw that her fur was standing on edge - on the sidewalk facing her was the bully cat from two blocks down. This is weird because when I first started thinking about this intern at home, this belligerant cat showed up and attacked my cat. When I puzzled over this intern's behavior toward me, again this cat showed up while I was walking my dog and cat, and this bully cat ran after and attacked my cat. Now I'm writing about this intern after nearly a month of not thinking or seeing this person, and this cat just showed up.
I think God is telling me that this intern is not a safe person. Just like this bully cat does not allow my cat to walk down his street, now he has come on her turf, my block! Maybe God is warning me not to trust this person - that I can pray for this individual but I need to protect myself by limiting contact. It is sooo odd that each time I think of this person, the bully cat appears and then threatens or attacks my cat. I let my cat in and she's eating. I know she cried to notify me so I could save her. Wow! This is so weird - I need to limit contact with this person even in my thoughts and writings.
Enough for tonight - Good night!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Monday, September 24, 2012
90 Meetings in 90 Days
I am going to start this today - 90 Overeater Anonymous (or Al-Anon/AA if OA meetings are unavailable) for 90 days straight. Just once last week was not enough for me. I binged last week. I signed up at a local gym and paid for a 4 training session package with a highly recommended trainer. I met with you, and he asked me to keep a food journal. I did one day but gave up because my food cravings reached epic proportions - I felt ashamed to write down exactly how much I ate. For two days straight I ate a 21 oz bucket of Soft Peppermint Mints (per day) - that's just an example of my extreme binging.
I told God that yesterday (Sun 9/23) would be my last day - which it was! Today I would not overeat or eat any wheat, sugar or dairy. My cat woke me up this morning (had a poop accident on my bedroom carpet) so I let her out at 5am. I'm grateful that happened because I also want to keep my promise to God to wake up at 5am every morning. I remember the car burning across the street last year when I had overslept after promising to God that I would start waking up early -- that was God powerfully speaking to me. But I still continued to oversleep. Now I want to change and wake up early. I also want to arrive EVERYWHERE 30 min early - "When you get to places 1/2 hour early, your life will change" is what I constantly hear in my head.
I went to the gym early this morning, but I forgot that I scheduled my training session for 6:30pm instead. Since I was already there, I did some weights and joined a Zumba class for the first time. It was fun! I actually liked it -- so different from the aerobics classes I had tried when I was younger. I met this blond woman who was very nice. I asked her if the instructor was Colombian because Zumba was started by a Colombian. She said no, he's from Bulgaria, but she also mentioned that she's from Venezuela. So we started speaking in Spanish. She has no accent in English because she lived here from 5 to 10 years old. Coincidence of coincidences, she knows of my former coworker that I mentioned who's also from Venezuela. Then I remember that I asked God to send me a guardian angel today - I'm surprised by the coincidence - She seems like a really sweet, geniune person - I hope I see her again to practice my Spanish. Since my mother is Colombian, I always feel self-conscious about how I speak because I make grammatical mistakes. I also need to work on my accent (it's such a work in progress!).
Fast forward to today's meeting (today wasn't as productive as I had hoped for - I cancelled my appt with my trainer and will see him this Fri instead) - I called into a telephone OA meeting to begin my 90-mtgs-in-90-days. There was no leader present so a veteran led the meeting. We read Step 1 - the part that particularly impacted me was that when we feel anxious or confronted by events/people/things that make our lives unmanageable.
This line spoke to me: "We hid from our pain by eating, so we didn't learn from our mistakes; we never grew up." For YEARS I ran away from my problems into the safety and comforting arms of food. And I haven't matured like others my age - I feel emotionally stuck. I still want people's approval - I'm still a people pleaser like I was as a teen.
During the meeting, the leader reviewed the 8 Tools of Recovery in OA. One of them is writing - I shared how I used to write a LOT in my journal when I was in junior high and the first 2 years in high school. But then I stopped - coincidentally enough I began to binge eat in junior year. I remember my sister's friend (who claimed to have some type of psychic ability) told me that the message she received about me from the "spirits" is to keep a journal. That was so weird! That same type of advice was echoed by someboday else a year later.
What also surprised me about the tools was the one about calling people. When we isolate ourselves, that feeds our overeating. Tradition 1 touches upon that. It's funny because that's what I don't really like to do - talking to people by phone. I do just want to isolate myself, surf the net, and protect myself. Besides my sister and my Mom, I don't really talk to anyone on a regular basis. When I isolate myself, I like to eat "fun foods" to cheer myself up or to maximize the pleasure of alone time. When I'm by myself, I can finish a whole pizza and not worry about being judged.
Wow, it's late, and I need to go to sleep. I wrote from the heart - jagged, unpolished, ungrammatical at times. I turned the editing critic off by the virtue of simply speeding through this entry. I may revise it in the future if needed :)
I told God that yesterday (Sun 9/23) would be my last day - which it was! Today I would not overeat or eat any wheat, sugar or dairy. My cat woke me up this morning (had a poop accident on my bedroom carpet) so I let her out at 5am. I'm grateful that happened because I also want to keep my promise to God to wake up at 5am every morning. I remember the car burning across the street last year when I had overslept after promising to God that I would start waking up early -- that was God powerfully speaking to me. But I still continued to oversleep. Now I want to change and wake up early. I also want to arrive EVERYWHERE 30 min early - "When you get to places 1/2 hour early, your life will change" is what I constantly hear in my head.
I went to the gym early this morning, but I forgot that I scheduled my training session for 6:30pm instead. Since I was already there, I did some weights and joined a Zumba class for the first time. It was fun! I actually liked it -- so different from the aerobics classes I had tried when I was younger. I met this blond woman who was very nice. I asked her if the instructor was Colombian because Zumba was started by a Colombian. She said no, he's from Bulgaria, but she also mentioned that she's from Venezuela. So we started speaking in Spanish. She has no accent in English because she lived here from 5 to 10 years old. Coincidence of coincidences, she knows of my former coworker that I mentioned who's also from Venezuela. Then I remember that I asked God to send me a guardian angel today - I'm surprised by the coincidence - She seems like a really sweet, geniune person - I hope I see her again to practice my Spanish. Since my mother is Colombian, I always feel self-conscious about how I speak because I make grammatical mistakes. I also need to work on my accent (it's such a work in progress!).
Fast forward to today's meeting (today wasn't as productive as I had hoped for - I cancelled my appt with my trainer and will see him this Fri instead) - I called into a telephone OA meeting to begin my 90-mtgs-in-90-days. There was no leader present so a veteran led the meeting. We read Step 1 - the part that particularly impacted me was that when we feel anxious or confronted by events/people/things that make our lives unmanageable.
This line spoke to me: "We hid from our pain by eating, so we didn't learn from our mistakes; we never grew up." For YEARS I ran away from my problems into the safety and comforting arms of food. And I haven't matured like others my age - I feel emotionally stuck. I still want people's approval - I'm still a people pleaser like I was as a teen.
During the meeting, the leader reviewed the 8 Tools of Recovery in OA. One of them is writing - I shared how I used to write a LOT in my journal when I was in junior high and the first 2 years in high school. But then I stopped - coincidentally enough I began to binge eat in junior year. I remember my sister's friend (who claimed to have some type of psychic ability) told me that the message she received about me from the "spirits" is to keep a journal. That was so weird! That same type of advice was echoed by someboday else a year later.
What also surprised me about the tools was the one about calling people. When we isolate ourselves, that feeds our overeating. Tradition 1 touches upon that. It's funny because that's what I don't really like to do - talking to people by phone. I do just want to isolate myself, surf the net, and protect myself. Besides my sister and my Mom, I don't really talk to anyone on a regular basis. When I isolate myself, I like to eat "fun foods" to cheer myself up or to maximize the pleasure of alone time. When I'm by myself, I can finish a whole pizza and not worry about being judged.
Wow, it's late, and I need to go to sleep. I wrote from the heart - jagged, unpolished, ungrammatical at times. I turned the editing critic off by the virtue of simply speeding through this entry. I may revise it in the future if needed :)
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
First Overeaters Anonymous Group Meeting Today!
Hi, I just went to the first OA meeting (technically 2nd since the last one I attended 4 years ago). By the Grace of God and Jesus Christ, it's near my house on a Tuesday night. I was afraid it would emphasize eliminating all forms of sugar (which is exhaustive to me and the reason why I didn't return to the first OA meeting I had attended in the past). Instead they went through the 12 Steps and didn't talk about any particular food-avoidance regimen.
I started tearing up as we read the 1st Step. Another miracle: I came when they started the Steps from the top. I'm just so freaking pissed that I'm a food addict - that I have to say I'm a compulsive overeater. It's so embarassing and shameful - to admit that you're out of control. They say it's a disease rather than a lack of willpower, but it's like in the back of my mind I still feel like it's a very bad habit that I developed from years of inadequately dealing with stress.
I guess you can argue that getting any physical disease can stem from years of bad eating habits. But overeating is like wanting to have a cigarette so badly - but it's worse because you don't have to puff on a cig to literally survive and live. I would rather eliminate food entirely from my life - I feel more calm and at peace when I do fast for a day or two. But it's not realistic to do it long term for obvious reasons - I just don't want to be hassled by that obsessiveness about when to eat, what to eat, how much to eat. I'd like to just naturally leave food on my plate when I'm comfortably full, simply satisfied, not mind-numbingly sated.
Before I went to group, I bought a huge 21 oz container of peppermint soft puffs. I ate half of it right before going to the meeting. After the meeting I went to Barnes & Noble to read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book which I spied a copy of at the meeting location. I couldn't find the book at the bookstore but did come across this book that seemed interesting: "What Should I Do with My Life?" by Po Bronson. Good-looking guy! Hot :)
I started reading chapters, and I felt God was speaking to me through these stories. What does HE want me to do? I just came back from a meeting where I was both mad and sad for having to admit that I'm a food addict - that diet and exercise alone just won't cut it for me. It's maddening - I want to be able to just go to Weight Watchers and lose the weight like Jennifer Hudson did.
But it's like a drive to consume calories of comfort, calories of joy and a bright light in my life, calories that make me forget the failures of my past and inures me to the threat of the future. Without food, what do I have? I have a close friend in my sister, but I don't want to rely on her more than I do. I love talking to my Mom, but I tend to keep things superficial because I don't want to upset her.
I don't talk to God that much - passing thoughts but not devoted time to God. I shared with the group that I had lost a lot of weight (didn't give them a number because I don't want the fixation on weight loss per se but rather defeating the spiritual battle against gluttony) in 2007-2008 by reading the Bible. Scriptures became my bread of life, nourishment that I turned to instead of food while I was writing my paper. I spent so much time in prayer and reading the Bible that I started to lose weight naturally. I started incorporating Windsor Pilates videos and would just read the Bible whenever I got that anxious urge to eat. I started losing weight and looking beautiful.
For so many years in NYC I was like the ugly duckling - I thought most men were gay because I wasn't noticed or pursued. At 5'8" and 185 lbs for most of my 20s, I was the chunky best friend overlooked at parties and the one asked to dance by the guy in the group who had to "take one for the team" so the rest could hook up with my prettier, thinner friends (when I say "hook up," it's the 90s definition of "making out"). Anyway, I lost about 30 lbs so I was just 155 lbs - but boy, what a difference! People treat you differently - one family friend didn't recognize me at all. A cute businessman followed me down a long Manhattan block - that was a first! I turned heads - in fact one former NY governor was eyeing me in a hotel lobby after I had just gotten my hair done (not sure if I should be impressed by that one though, lol!). Men were literally coming out of the woodwork!!
I share this not to brag (well, maybe just a little ;) but to remember how pretty I was, the potential that I had at 32/33. Then I moved south and gained weight from inactivity, homesickness and throwing caution to the wind regarding food. And I gained weight again - back to mousy, nondescript me. I'm exaggerating, but I just look hot like I used to. Plus I've gotten more spots on my skin and wrinkles (I think it's the food down here) - I'm seeing my age. It saddens me because of the youth I lost - SO MANY DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS/YEARS that I spent in my room/at home, not going out because I looked too heavy, condemning myself for my rusty people skills and my insatiable appetite (not out of hunger but out of need to self-medicate my anxiety).
Wow, I don't want to write anymore about this stuff - I just want to attend 90 OA meetings in 90 days. I figure if that works for people who don't believe in a higher power, it would definitely work for me!
I started tearing up as we read the 1st Step. Another miracle: I came when they started the Steps from the top. I'm just so freaking pissed that I'm a food addict - that I have to say I'm a compulsive overeater. It's so embarassing and shameful - to admit that you're out of control. They say it's a disease rather than a lack of willpower, but it's like in the back of my mind I still feel like it's a very bad habit that I developed from years of inadequately dealing with stress.
I guess you can argue that getting any physical disease can stem from years of bad eating habits. But overeating is like wanting to have a cigarette so badly - but it's worse because you don't have to puff on a cig to literally survive and live. I would rather eliminate food entirely from my life - I feel more calm and at peace when I do fast for a day or two. But it's not realistic to do it long term for obvious reasons - I just don't want to be hassled by that obsessiveness about when to eat, what to eat, how much to eat. I'd like to just naturally leave food on my plate when I'm comfortably full, simply satisfied, not mind-numbingly sated.
Before I went to group, I bought a huge 21 oz container of peppermint soft puffs. I ate half of it right before going to the meeting. After the meeting I went to Barnes & Noble to read John Gray's "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" book which I spied a copy of at the meeting location. I couldn't find the book at the bookstore but did come across this book that seemed interesting: "What Should I Do with My Life?" by Po Bronson. Good-looking guy! Hot :)
I started reading chapters, and I felt God was speaking to me through these stories. What does HE want me to do? I just came back from a meeting where I was both mad and sad for having to admit that I'm a food addict - that diet and exercise alone just won't cut it for me. It's maddening - I want to be able to just go to Weight Watchers and lose the weight like Jennifer Hudson did.
But it's like a drive to consume calories of comfort, calories of joy and a bright light in my life, calories that make me forget the failures of my past and inures me to the threat of the future. Without food, what do I have? I have a close friend in my sister, but I don't want to rely on her more than I do. I love talking to my Mom, but I tend to keep things superficial because I don't want to upset her.
I don't talk to God that much - passing thoughts but not devoted time to God. I shared with the group that I had lost a lot of weight (didn't give them a number because I don't want the fixation on weight loss per se but rather defeating the spiritual battle against gluttony) in 2007-2008 by reading the Bible. Scriptures became my bread of life, nourishment that I turned to instead of food while I was writing my paper. I spent so much time in prayer and reading the Bible that I started to lose weight naturally. I started incorporating Windsor Pilates videos and would just read the Bible whenever I got that anxious urge to eat. I started losing weight and looking beautiful.
For so many years in NYC I was like the ugly duckling - I thought most men were gay because I wasn't noticed or pursued. At 5'8" and 185 lbs for most of my 20s, I was the chunky best friend overlooked at parties and the one asked to dance by the guy in the group who had to "take one for the team" so the rest could hook up with my prettier, thinner friends (when I say "hook up," it's the 90s definition of "making out"). Anyway, I lost about 30 lbs so I was just 155 lbs - but boy, what a difference! People treat you differently - one family friend didn't recognize me at all. A cute businessman followed me down a long Manhattan block - that was a first! I turned heads - in fact one former NY governor was eyeing me in a hotel lobby after I had just gotten my hair done (not sure if I should be impressed by that one though, lol!). Men were literally coming out of the woodwork!!
I share this not to brag (well, maybe just a little ;) but to remember how pretty I was, the potential that I had at 32/33. Then I moved south and gained weight from inactivity, homesickness and throwing caution to the wind regarding food. And I gained weight again - back to mousy, nondescript me. I'm exaggerating, but I just look hot like I used to. Plus I've gotten more spots on my skin and wrinkles (I think it's the food down here) - I'm seeing my age. It saddens me because of the youth I lost - SO MANY DAYS/WEEKS/MONTHS/YEARS that I spent in my room/at home, not going out because I looked too heavy, condemning myself for my rusty people skills and my insatiable appetite (not out of hunger but out of need to self-medicate my anxiety).
Wow, I don't want to write anymore about this stuff - I just want to attend 90 OA meetings in 90 days. I figure if that works for people who don't believe in a higher power, it would definitely work for me!
Monday, September 17, 2012
Can you please pray for me?
Since I last posted, I slipped big time! I have an eating disorder - I ravenously overeat. It's the thorn in my side that I have suffered with since I was 15. I wanted to start anew today - 100 days until Christmas. To redeem my lost chance at my summer internship. But I slept late last night and woke up late this morning.
My appointment with a gym trainer didn't appear in the system this morning. I wanted to start anew today - 9/17/12 - but had to reschedule for Wed 9/19 at 8:30am. I had an appointment with my advisor which I had to reschedule as well. What did I do all day? Unproductively surf the net and gorge on food. I feel the back fat and just look so heavy. I can't stop -- Please pray for me in Jesus's Name.
Please pray that the Holy Spirit saves me, redeems me - I need help. I looked up Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I'm terrified by their hard line against sugar. I don't know if it's doable long term for me. I'm desperate - I can't do this on my own. I was reading John Cusack's Huffington Post interview about this self-help book.
What impressed me indelibly was the author saying that he would advise his alcoholic patients to go to AA for 90 days straight even if they don't believe in a higher power because he can't work with them until they get sober. Invariably they sober up if they attend AA meetings for 90 consecutive days. So I am inspired that the same can work for me with food. I need to find OA meetings in person or oline that I can attend consecutively. I can't do this on my own. Please pray for me :)
My appointment with a gym trainer didn't appear in the system this morning. I wanted to start anew today - 9/17/12 - but had to reschedule for Wed 9/19 at 8:30am. I had an appointment with my advisor which I had to reschedule as well. What did I do all day? Unproductively surf the net and gorge on food. I feel the back fat and just look so heavy. I can't stop -- Please pray for me in Jesus's Name.
Please pray that the Holy Spirit saves me, redeems me - I need help. I looked up Overeaters Anonymous meetings. I'm terrified by their hard line against sugar. I don't know if it's doable long term for me. I'm desperate - I can't do this on my own. I was reading John Cusack's Huffington Post interview about this self-help book.
What impressed me indelibly was the author saying that he would advise his alcoholic patients to go to AA for 90 days straight even if they don't believe in a higher power because he can't work with them until they get sober. Invariably they sober up if they attend AA meetings for 90 consecutive days. So I am inspired that the same can work for me with food. I need to find OA meetings in person or oline that I can attend consecutively. I can't do this on my own. Please pray for me :)
Monday, September 3, 2012
I came back late tonight - I went to a welcome party for the NC delegation. God connected to me to an important contact who miraculously had so much in common with me.
Today I ate scrambled eggs, banana & hot water for breakfast - green apple for lunch - salad, hot water, a few sips of red wine & sweet potato casserold with pecan crust (delicious but not doing it again because it is definitely NOT low-glycemic) - 2 glasses of chardonnay, 2 pieces of sushi, 1 egg roll & 2 mini-samosas.
No exercise today - My uncle stopped by with his friend to pick up my futon, 2 breakfast chairs & other items. So I could not work out because I had to pick up my business cards and get ready to leave to attend the street festival and party afterwards. I wore the short sleeve gold dress that Mom brought from NY when she visited last month. Shelly and I both looked very pretty -
Wake up: 7:15am
Go to bed: 1:45am
My eyes got so red - I tried rinsing them out.
Today I ate scrambled eggs, banana & hot water for breakfast - green apple for lunch - salad, hot water, a few sips of red wine & sweet potato casserold with pecan crust (delicious but not doing it again because it is definitely NOT low-glycemic) - 2 glasses of chardonnay, 2 pieces of sushi, 1 egg roll & 2 mini-samosas.
No exercise today - My uncle stopped by with his friend to pick up my futon, 2 breakfast chairs & other items. So I could not work out because I had to pick up my business cards and get ready to leave to attend the street festival and party afterwards. I wore the short sleeve gold dress that Mom brought from NY when she visited last month. Shelly and I both looked very pretty -
Wake up: 7:15am
Go to bed: 1:45am
My eyes got so red - I tried rinsing them out.
Sunday, September 2, 2012
Short post today:
Progress on goal - I kept to the no dairy/wheat/sugar. Since I worked out at boating practice yesterday, I was feeling sore today. A teammate said to drink a protein shake to help muscles recover faster. Starbucks serves protein shakes, but they're made of whey protein which is dairy. So I went to a smoothie shop that offered soy protein - I got it with pineapples, raspberries and banana.
The problem is that they also have to make it with ice. I didn't like that idea but bought it anyway. I regretted it because I learned that there was only 5 grams of soy protein in the shake. But mainly because I didn't want to drink anything cold. I've been following Maria Menounos's advice about drinking hot water. I drank hot water all day yesterday and this morning too and felt great! I felt thinner (I also ate a low-glycemic dinner last night). About an hour after drinking the shake, I felt like my chub around my waist expanded! I also didn't feel as peaceful as I had when I was drinking only hot water.
I did pick up from that smoothie place a packet of Vanilla Spiru-Protein powder which includes 14 grams of soy protein. I'll buy some unsweetened soy milk later this week to mix with it. I will go to boating practice this Wed so I can drink it on Thurs.
Tomorrow is going to be really busy. Convention week which I'm psyched for! Will post more later!
Didn't weigh myself so here's just what I ate today:
Breakfast - 2 apples & grapefruit & a few blueberries
Lunch - protein shake
Dinner - salad with grilled chicken
* Supplements: Iron, Vit D, Airborne, Calcium
Wake up: 6:10am
Going to sleep: 11:45pm
Exercise: 20 min Pilates dvd (though from now on I'll take Sundays off from exercising to keep the Sabbath - I wish that I had just walked my dog & cat around the neighborhood this morning instead)
Progress on goal - I kept to the no dairy/wheat/sugar. Since I worked out at boating practice yesterday, I was feeling sore today. A teammate said to drink a protein shake to help muscles recover faster. Starbucks serves protein shakes, but they're made of whey protein which is dairy. So I went to a smoothie shop that offered soy protein - I got it with pineapples, raspberries and banana.
The problem is that they also have to make it with ice. I didn't like that idea but bought it anyway. I regretted it because I learned that there was only 5 grams of soy protein in the shake. But mainly because I didn't want to drink anything cold. I've been following Maria Menounos's advice about drinking hot water. I drank hot water all day yesterday and this morning too and felt great! I felt thinner (I also ate a low-glycemic dinner last night). About an hour after drinking the shake, I felt like my chub around my waist expanded! I also didn't feel as peaceful as I had when I was drinking only hot water.
I did pick up from that smoothie place a packet of Vanilla Spiru-Protein powder which includes 14 grams of soy protein. I'll buy some unsweetened soy milk later this week to mix with it. I will go to boating practice this Wed so I can drink it on Thurs.
Tomorrow is going to be really busy. Convention week which I'm psyched for! Will post more later!
Didn't weigh myself so here's just what I ate today:
Breakfast - 2 apples & grapefruit & a few blueberries
Lunch - protein shake
Dinner - salad with grilled chicken
* Supplements: Iron, Vit D, Airborne, Calcium
Wake up: 6:10am
Going to sleep: 11:45pm
Exercise: 20 min Pilates dvd (though from now on I'll take Sundays off from exercising to keep the Sabbath - I wish that I had just walked my dog & cat around the neighborhood this morning instead)
Saturday, September 1, 2012
Starting Again
Today I have purposed to go for my goal again - prepare to compete in a beauty pageant.
Why? I'm 37 years old and endured hair loss since my early twenties. I felt like I wasn't beautiful. Now I want to stop believing in that lie and believe in my own beauty instead. Preparing to compete in a beauty pageant gives me a goal to not only lose weight but to consistently beautify myself - show myself that I matter through my actions, namely caring for the body that God has given me. I also want to cultivate a spirit of beauty inside so God's light can shine through me.
So here goes: September 1, 2012 to September 1, 2013.
Vital Stats:
Height: 5'8" (I'm actually between 5'7-1/2" & 5'8" so I rounded up)
Weight: 196.2 lbs
Goal weight: 128lbs
Weight loss goal: 68lbs
Waist measurement: 41 in (at belly button, sucking in my stomach)
Bust measurement: 41 in (wearing a sports bra)
Arm measurement: 11.5 in.
Thigh circumference: 25 in.
Hip measurement: 45 in.
I'm psyched! Each day I want to note something that I'm doing of improvement toward my goal.
Today I woke up at 5am and prayed for strength from God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to see my 1-year plan to fruition. Then I went to dragon boating practice (intense spurts of paddling) & then a leisurely hour at the pool. I also applied Gold Bond's Ultimate Healing Lotion with Aloe to my legs and elbows after my shower.
For this 1-year "Julie/Julia Project," I will do the following:
No wheat, no sugar, no dairy.
Eat a low-glycemic diet.
No coffee (unless for an emergency) or red wine (to maximize my future teeth whitening)
Here is what I found from a simple Google search for "beauty pageants for older women":
United America Pageant in Austin, Texas with divisions for
Ms. United America – 26 & up (single, divorced, widow)
Mrs. United America – 21 & up
Ms. Classic United America – 44 & up (single, divorced, married, widow)
United America Lady – 55 & up (single, divorced, married, widow)
United America Woman – 26 & up (single, divorced, married, widow & size 14 and up)
U.S. United Pageant in Atlanta, Georgia
Elegant Ms. U.S. United, ages 18 - 35, dress size 16 and above
Elegant Elite Ms. U.S. United, age 36 and older, dress size 16 and above
Mrs. U.S. United, Age 21 and older, must be married and living with husband
Elite Ms. U.S. United Woman, Age 46 and older
Why? I'm 37 years old and endured hair loss since my early twenties. I felt like I wasn't beautiful. Now I want to stop believing in that lie and believe in my own beauty instead. Preparing to compete in a beauty pageant gives me a goal to not only lose weight but to consistently beautify myself - show myself that I matter through my actions, namely caring for the body that God has given me. I also want to cultivate a spirit of beauty inside so God's light can shine through me.
So here goes: September 1, 2012 to September 1, 2013.
Vital Stats:
Height: 5'8" (I'm actually between 5'7-1/2" & 5'8" so I rounded up)
Weight: 196.2 lbs
Goal weight: 128lbs
Weight loss goal: 68lbs
Waist measurement: 41 in (at belly button, sucking in my stomach)
Bust measurement: 41 in (wearing a sports bra)
Arm measurement: 11.5 in.
Thigh circumference: 25 in.
Hip measurement: 45 in.
I'm psyched! Each day I want to note something that I'm doing of improvement toward my goal.
Today I woke up at 5am and prayed for strength from God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit to see my 1-year plan to fruition. Then I went to dragon boating practice (intense spurts of paddling) & then a leisurely hour at the pool. I also applied Gold Bond's Ultimate Healing Lotion with Aloe to my legs and elbows after my shower.
For this 1-year "Julie/Julia Project," I will do the following:
No wheat, no sugar, no dairy.
Eat a low-glycemic diet.
No coffee (unless for an emergency) or red wine (to maximize my future teeth whitening)
Here is what I found from a simple Google search for "beauty pageants for older women":
United America Pageant in Austin, Texas with divisions for
Ms. United America – 26 & up (single, divorced, widow)
Mrs. United America – 21 & up
Ms. Classic United America – 44 & up (single, divorced, married, widow)
United America Lady – 55 & up (single, divorced, married, widow)
United America Woman – 26 & up (single, divorced, married, widow & size 14 and up)
U.S. United Pageant in Atlanta, Georgia
Elegant Ms. U.S. United, ages 18 - 35, dress size 16 and above
Elegant Elite Ms. U.S. United, age 36 and older, dress size 16 and above
Mrs. U.S. United, Age 21 and older, must be married and living with husband
Elite Ms. U.S. United Woman, Age 46 and older
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